This past week reminded me how easily old patterns can resurface, even on an ordinary day.
Nothing dramatic happened. No big conflict. Just a small moment that showed me something familiar about how I relate to work, responsibility, and guilt.
Yesterday was one of those moments.
I booked off from work at 3 to run errands with Megan. At the time, I was genuinely okay with it. No resentment. No internal negotiation. Just a normal decision.
Then the day drifted.
Traffic was heavier than expected. We didn’t have a quarter for the grocery cart. Small things, nothing worth noting on their own. But somewhere along the way, something in me tightened.
A familiar guilt crept in.
The kind that says, you shouldn’t be doing this.
The kind that insists you should be at your desk.
The kind that confuses being available with being responsible.
I’ve struggled with that since going freelance. Once I start work, I feel a strong pull to stay “on.” Even though my emails are on my phone. Even though I can set my own hours, by working later or like today when I started work early to prep for a presentation.
There’s an old rule in there somewhere.
If I’m not at my desk, I’m shirking. If I step away, I’m letting something slide.
That rule didn’t announce itself yesterday. It just activated.
And when it did, I wasn’t my best self. I was snippy. Short. Not quite myself. The tools I talk about and practice weren’t online in that moment. I couldn’t seem to find the key to the proverbial toolbox.
I noticed it after. Not with shame, just with clarity.
Nothing catastrophic happened. No lesson was learned in bold letters. Just a quiet reminder that old patterns don’t need a crisis to reappear. Sometimes all it takes is a detour and a few small frustrations.
Today, I’m sitting with this question:
Where do I still equate constant availability with doing enough?
No fixing required.
No promises made.
Just noticing.
That feels like enough for today.
