There was a long stretch of my life where self-care felt like a dirty word.
When I was in AA, I absorbed the message that I was self-centred and that this was something to correct. So I took that to mean: don’t focus on yourself, don’t do things just because they feel good, don’t prioritise your own needs. Whether that was the intended teaching or not, that’s how it landed in my body.
So when people talked about self-care, it sounded like indulgence. Like putting myself first in a way that felt… wrong.
Then later, through my work and learning at The Gatehouse, something finally clicked.
Self-care wasn’t selfish at all.
It was maintenance.
The same way you don’t accuse a car of being selfish for getting an oil change.
Where I Got It Wrong
I thought caring for myself meant taking something away from others.
That if I rested, slowed down, or tended to my own needs, I was somehow failing at humility or service.
What I didn’t understand back then was this:
When I don’t maintain myself, I become reactive, brittle, resentful, and unavailable.
That version of me wasn’t helping anyone.
Self-neglect didn’t make me noble.
It made me unstable.
What Self-Care Actually Looks Like (For Me)
Real self-care rarely looks Instagram-worthy. Most of the time it’s quiet and unremarkable:
- Eating before I get irritable
- Resting before I’m completely depleted
- Taking a walk instead of doom-scrolling
- Saying no without a long explanation
- Going to bed even when my mind wants one more lap
None of this is indulgent.
It’s preventative.
It’s how I keep myself regulated enough to show up as a decent human being.
Maintenance Prevents Meltdowns
Here’s the thing I wish I’d learned sooner:
If you only tend to yourself once you’re in crisis, you’ll always feel like self-care is an emergency measure.
Maintenance happens before the breakdown.
Not because you’re weak.
Because you’re human.
A Gentle Reframe
If the word self-care still makes you bristle, try this instead:
- Self-maintenance
- Emotional upkeep
- Nervous system hygiene
Whatever helps it land.
You don’t owe the world your exhaustion.
Taking care of yourself isn’t a moral failure.
It’s how you stay steady enough to live your life without constantly running on fumes.
If today is a little quieter, slower, or more inward than usual, that’s not a problem to fix.
That’s maintenance doing its job.
